Its been about a week since I last posted........I was taking time to reflect on the meeting with the SP. It went Extremely well-better than I imagined. He was humble and completely non-judgemental. I voiced my opinion about the situation with my daughter and how I feel she has NEVER been accepted in the ward. I have not had much support with her at all, and it hurts beyond words. I am not expecting people to come out and help me every day. But, instead of people staring at me like I am an alien on sunday's when she has a meltdown, it would be nice for someone to ask me if I need help or something. The Bishop knows this too! He has never offered any help either. People can tell I have been frazzled, I am sure. Some people know my husband works very long hours and is not home much. Part of the time he IS home, he is either at meetings or the temple, or whatever. So, I am stuck taking care of most things. Okay I rambled off enough about that, now back to the subject LOL
He told me I need to forgive the ward members, and how it is required of all to forgive and how christ forgave. I totally understand that. I will forgive, but it will be on my own time , and I am not sure I can forget. He told me lots of things in my crazy life (and yes, its crazy, trust me) are not allowing the spirit to come in. Plus the resentment I hold. I DID talk to him about my doubts about Joseph Smith. He didn't seem too worried-he insists I have a testimony of him its just that I need to find it. Ah well, at least he wasn't too worried and I am probably under his radar, hopefully. I met with him for an hour and a half. I was happy with the outcome. Heck, he is even watching the kids for us so dh and I can go out-we never go out. I told him we don't have a sitter. Thats another peeve of mine. Of course, now that I mentioned that the SP was going to watch the kids for us I have two people who came forward and said they would watch them. Actually now I have 4 people-the people who came forward first are.....get this....non-members.
Anyway, it should be interesting. Actually I am a bit nervous.
Now something that has made me angry and I have been reeling all day about this.......DH attended his meeting last night. Well, apparently the Bishop DOES know about the letter I wrote. DH Told him. But even BEFORE he told him, he already knew. DH will not tell me who told him. I suspect its a person in the primary presidency. I know who it is. I didn't elaborate on the letter. I got really upset about that this morning, and dh says "Oh.....its not to gossip, they are REALLY concerned about you." Crap. Just when I thought things were okay.........now it seems I AM on their list. sheesh. makes me sick. I think what makes me more upset is the fact that I cannot trust ANYONE. I told that to someone I have respect for , and felt close to.
I feel betrayed.
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3 comments:
Hang in there. I think that this is why the internet can provide such a great support because you are not alone and many people have gone through the same things that you are going through. First thing is just know that everything will be fine. I feel that my wife and I are on good terms, and she even posts on the NOM board once in a while when she is upset about something in the church. However it is a process and might take years.
I wouldn't worry too much about your DH or the Bishop or SP. Just try to stay vague and my advice is to not get into too much detail. If you feel you have already given too much away, then that is o.k. as well. What is done is done and what has been said has been said.
Things will be alright in the end. I know from my own experience that I stressed out at the beginning over nothing. I found support and good advice online as well as a great outlet in blogging.
The best advice I got was to take things very slow with other people, especially family members. I have found through experience that exposing people to too many shocking things all at once will only make them feel uncomfortable and will make them defensive. It is a difficult road to navigate, but it gets better over time. The most difficult time is the beginning, then it gets better in my experience.
I wouldn't get upset over the letter news being spread around. If you sent a questionable letter to Salt Lake they will surely inform the SP who will trickle it down to the respective leadership...
SP > Bishop > Elder's Quorum Pres + Ref Soc Pres > HT + VT
The system is designed to keep "at risk" members in check. They call it fellowshipping. If your Home teachers actually visit you monthly they are assuredly asking how things are and reporting anything that they suspect you need. Unfortunately the way people are is they tattle on silly things like not reading or praying and don't care so much about your physical welfare which from what it sounds like you'd probably be a happy member still if you had some support from other members.
The system is broke, mostly because the entire goal of the church is to baptize the world so they can benefit of the tithes. Fantastic business plan if you ask me... too bad I'm too honest to actually start my own church.
OH and the point you made about your husband being so busy with work and church callings has always always always bothered me about the church. With church callings and personal life (specifically WORK, your livelihood) how is one supposed to get any sort of time alone to reflect or (more importantly and HYPOCRITICALLY) any sort of quality time with their family other than an hour on Monday night? Seriously what the hell is up with that?
Anyway, take is slow and stay firm in your decisions... and above all don't let the heartstrings be pulled so that you can't logically think things out. Thats how and good salesperson gets you to buy something you don't actually need... (just sayin).
I feel for you. I have family and friends who are raising autistic children. The way people exclude them is sadening. I think that most people simply dont understand what life is like for you and your daughter. Hopefully your SPs example will inspire people to open thier eyes.
I think the subject of forgiveness is often aproached with very little explanation of the process. To often people think that you must "forget " the offence as well. I agree that forgiving others is the healthy thing to do. But forgeting it in my opinion is unhealthy. If you retain memory of what happened I think you can mor compleatly forgive. It gives you mental imagry to learn from. I wouldnt wory about the time it takes to forvive either. forgiveness is not an event, it is a process that often requires years tp complete. This is the case especially when the pain and wounds run deep. You are justified in being upset, just remember to use you feelings to improve the situation you find yourself in and not to hinder yourself.
Ultimately people in the church tend to have thier hearts in the right place. That doesnt justify bad behavior, but it helps me to overlook such behavior. I am in the same boat as you are as far as doctrinal issues go, I konw NOM has done wonders for me, I hope it is doing the same for you.
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