Tuesday, June 3, 2008

loosing my mind

Lately I have just been loosing my mind over this whole church thing. I go each sunday and all I do is feel completely miserable. I really wanted to take something positive out of each sunday but I am finding it impossible, with the amount of anger I feel when I go. I know I need to forgive these people for the hurt they have caused me. But, it will take me time. I also know there ARE some good people there, but at this point I wonder if its really worth it for me to go every sunday. This sunday I am just going to tell DH my feet hurt or something so I don't have to go. I will get out of it somehow. He already knows how I am feeling. He was wondering why I was in such a pissy mood on Sunday so I just told him. Honestly, I would like to just try another ward and just see how it makes me feel. One of my friends goes to this other ward where all of their special needs kids have been lovingly accepted. I am so envious of that. My daughter has been accepted in the last 6-8 months or so, but I cannot let go of the hurt before that. What I am doing is trying to protect her. I don't EVER want her to go through the hurt I have been through.
I told the RS president how I felt (minus my doctrine issues) when she stopped in last friday to chat with me ( we are long time friends and I love her dearly). She really agreed with what I said, but she had no idea I felt the way I did. I gave her my perspective and I was shocked that she agreed with what I had to say. I had a fear that I may sound nuts about it! I always worry about that because over the years I have had the whole "you should go talk to somebody" crap and people make me feel like I am crazy. NO! If they were in MY shoes they would understand. If they had a dh who worked long hours then went to a couple bishopric meetings each week plus to the temple a couple times a month, they would feel this way too, if they had a kid that required special needs. Going and talking to a counselor would do no good at all. sheesh!
What I want more than anything is just to feel at peace. I am SO envious of those people who are so faithful and happy and have peace in their lives. I want that so bad. But I honestly believe I won't be able to find it until I stop going to that ward. But I am so screwed, as my dh has his bishopric meetings, and it will make him look bad if they find out his wife is going to another ward. I do care about him and his reputation. I feel like I am in such a bad position here.


Zelph said...

Hang in there. What you are going through is normal and I went through the same thing. It was very difficult at first for me, but now I am so uninvolved at church that nobody really notices me, and if I am ever questioned, I just tell them that I am a "sacrament only" kind of Mormon while I am wearing my rebellious blue or perhaps light green colored shirt. I don't have any callings right now and plan on keeping it that way.

If it wasn't for my wife, I would just leave the church and be done with it.

Joe said...

Eight years ago, I walked away from the church cold turkey. I'd been drifting for many years and finally had it. The real mental break came when, after a period of unemployment, I realized I could pay my bills or my tithing but not both. I decided to pay my bills. In that moment, I felt completely at peace with myself concerning religion.

Looking back, I am now amazed at the things I believed and took seriously. The only guilt I carry is forcing my oldest son to be baptized and my arrogant self-centered attitudes about the rightness of Mormonism while a missionary in South America.

I strongly suggest you at least take a complete and extended break. If, after a year or so, you feel compelled to go back, the church will be there. If like everyone I know who has done this (no exaggeration) you will find peace and regret only that you didn't leave sooner.

(One of the astonishing things looking back is just how self-centered and manipulative the entire LDS church experience is.)