Wednesday, May 14, 2008

feelings

I just feel so misled...........the more I read, the more I want to just sit and cry. Its so disturbing to me. I can't believe I am learning about all this now, after going to the church for 37 years. I feel like I am in between and rock and a hard place. I feel so much emotional pain right now. My husband is VERY active as the Ward Clerk, and attends the temple regularly.
I have told him some of my feelings, although not everything as he gets upset and I really don't want to stir the pot. I fear that it will destroy my marriage. Despite my feelings I love my husband and can't imagine life without him.
I know he wants the kids to continue to go to church........I don't agree with it but will honor his wishes. I just don't want to go anymore. I am just sick over this.

2 comments:

Zelph said...

Know you are not alone and there are a lot of people going through the same thing. It gets tricky when spouses are involved. My wife has been very supportive and she does see some things the way I see them, but she maintains her stance that the church is right for her right now, so I try to be respectful of her beliefs, but it is tough.

It is a good idea to stay anonymous online. Have you gone to newordermormon.org?

There you will find an entire online community filled with tons of people like you.

I created my blog as a way for me to cope, vent and organize my thoughts. It has helped me from going too insane and I hope that it will help you. You are welcome to comment anytime.

eric said...

Thank you for the comment on my web site.

There is one thing I would say in response to the future of your relationship: the future is in your hands - not the church, and not the membership. It is very possible to maintain your marriage. It's also very difficult. But I honestly believe that two people who work hard at it can keep such a marriage alive.

Your husband, as a ward clerk, has probably seen some of the same things I did: the inconsistency between the operational aspect of the church with the gospel-oriented aspect of the church. One of the first things I noticed as a ward clerk was that the daily operation of the church really has little to do with God, Jesus, or Joseph Smith. The daily operation of the church is managed by people at the local level. There's an amount of appeal to ward leadership, being able to help people, to do good for the church, and in some way, to stand out among the rest. But eventually, the clerk realizes that prayer has little to do with how a meeting goes. Praying and asking for inspiration in making decisions feels a lot like using your gut reaction. Sometimes the organization itself is more important than the message of the gospel (ward council proved this to me). I honestly believe that once someone has been on the witnessing end of a council of brethren, that person sees that maintaining the procedure and the process of the administration of the church is more important than the individual needs of any one person or a family. Being ward clerk was an eye-opener for me - even more so than being a gospel doctrine teacher and reading many things (both from the church and from its opposition) that didn't make sense to me.

But, unfortunately, you can't make a big stink about it. Your husband might not be ready to see the writing on the wall. He may NEVER. But if his experience is anything like mine, he may have seen families twisted apart for the sake of the churches' status-quo, and if he has, he likely does not want that to happen to his family as well.

I wish you the best. Thank you for reading my blog.

Eric