Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Feeling worse than ever

I am feeling just horrible..........I admit, I am on the brink of a depression, if I am not there already with all of this. I made a comment to someone on Sunday at church-and someone else heard it who was standing not far away. It apparently hurt that person's feelings (It wasn't directed towards that person) but I feel so terrible about it. Its another member of the primary presidency. I really am sorry and was not directed to anyone in general, but at the moment I meant it-just not directed to her-if that makes any sense at all. So, what I am going to do today is deliver her some flowers and apologize, then probably immediately after that email the bishop and tell them I want to immediately be released. I am going to get my binder ready to deliver to the primary president too. I am sure they don't want to see me anymore. My husband thinks I am being irrational about all of this. I don't know.
I thought I was feeling lonely in "this place" before.........I am feeling much worse now.
I swear, this church is ruining my life.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

loosing my mind

Lately I have just been loosing my mind over this whole church thing. I go each sunday and all I do is feel completely miserable. I really wanted to take something positive out of each sunday but I am finding it impossible, with the amount of anger I feel when I go. I know I need to forgive these people for the hurt they have caused me. But, it will take me time. I also know there ARE some good people there, but at this point I wonder if its really worth it for me to go every sunday. This sunday I am just going to tell DH my feet hurt or something so I don't have to go. I will get out of it somehow. He already knows how I am feeling. He was wondering why I was in such a pissy mood on Sunday so I just told him. Honestly, I would like to just try another ward and just see how it makes me feel. One of my friends goes to this other ward where all of their special needs kids have been lovingly accepted. I am so envious of that. My daughter has been accepted in the last 6-8 months or so, but I cannot let go of the hurt before that. What I am doing is trying to protect her. I don't EVER want her to go through the hurt I have been through.
I told the RS president how I felt (minus my doctrine issues) when she stopped in last friday to chat with me ( we are long time friends and I love her dearly). She really agreed with what I said, but she had no idea I felt the way I did. I gave her my perspective and I was shocked that she agreed with what I had to say. I had a fear that I may sound nuts about it! I always worry about that because over the years I have had the whole "you should go talk to somebody" crap and people make me feel like I am crazy. NO! If they were in MY shoes they would understand. If they had a dh who worked long hours then went to a couple bishopric meetings each week plus to the temple a couple times a month, they would feel this way too, if they had a kid that required special needs. Going and talking to a counselor would do no good at all. sheesh!
What I want more than anything is just to feel at peace. I am SO envious of those people who are so faithful and happy and have peace in their lives. I want that so bad. But I honestly believe I won't be able to find it until I stop going to that ward. But I am so screwed, as my dh has his bishopric meetings, and it will make him look bad if they find out his wife is going to another ward. I do care about him and his reputation. I feel like I am in such a bad position here.