Meeting and other stuff

Its been about a week since I last posted........I was taking time to reflect on the meeting with the SP. It went Extremely well-better than I imagined. He was humble and completely non-judgemental. I voiced my opinion about the situation with my daughter and how I feel she has NEVER been accepted in the ward. I have not had much support with her at all, and it hurts beyond words. I am not expecting people to come out and help me every day. But, instead of people staring at me like I am an alien on sunday's when she has a meltdown, it would be nice for someone to ask me if I need help or something. The Bishop knows this too! He has never offered any help either. People can tell I have been frazzled, I am sure. Some people know my husband works very long hours and is not home much. Part of the time he IS home, he is either at meetings or the temple, or whatever. So, I am stuck taking care of most things. Okay I rambled off enough about that, now back to the subject LOL
He told me I need to forgive the ward members, and how it is required of all to forgive and how christ forgave. I totally understand that. I will forgive, but it will be on my own time , and I am not sure I can forget. He told me lots of things in my crazy life (and yes, its crazy, trust me) are not allowing the spirit to come in. Plus the resentment I hold. I DID talk to him about my doubts about Joseph Smith. He didn't seem too worried-he insists I have a testimony of him its just that I need to find it. Ah well, at least he wasn't too worried and I am probably under his radar, hopefully. I met with him for an hour and a half. I was happy with the outcome. Heck, he is even watching the kids for us so dh and I can go out-we never go out. I told him we don't have a sitter. Thats another peeve of mine. Of course, now that I mentioned that the SP was going to watch the kids for us I have two people who came forward and said they would watch them. Actually now I have 4 people-the people who came forward first are.....get this....non-members.
Anyway, it should be interesting. Actually I am a bit nervous.
Now something that has made me angry and I have been reeling all day about this.......DH attended his meeting last night. Well, apparently the Bishop DOES know about the letter I wrote. DH Told him. But even BEFORE he told him, he already knew. DH will not tell me who told him. I suspect its a person in the primary presidency. I know who it is. I didn't elaborate on the letter. I got really upset about that this morning, and dh says "Oh.....its not to gossip, they are REALLY concerned about you." Crap. Just when I thought things were okay.........now it seems I AM on their list. sheesh. makes me sick. I think what makes me more upset is the fact that I cannot trust ANYONE. I told that to someone I have respect for , and felt close to.
I feel betrayed.

Letter to First Presidency-they got it apparently

So I am just a little nervous!
I went to church today as usual, and the Stake President was there today for the other ward, and caught me in the hallway-I saw him coming and immediately wanted to run the other way-but that couldn't happen. Anyway, he wants to meet with me Wednesday night. Right away I said "ohhhhhh........I know what this is about!" LOL I have known this guy for a looooooooong time-since he was a young father (I was rather young when I met him too) and I was his wife's visiting teaching companion back then too. He was asking me what all I am doing-am I working, etc etc.........he's probably trying to get a "feel" for what all I am up to. He's a nice guy, but the thought of being put on the spot just freaks me out. I have nothing to hide, and I have done nothing wrong (as I also stated in the letter) but my goodness I know come Wed. I will be SO nervous!
I wrote the letter a few weeks ago.........Basically asking them what I need to do-saying I feel no spirit, and how I've done the things I have been asked to (reading scriptures, etc-the usual stuff they say to do), and have fulfilled my callings. I did mention I only go for my husband also.
I told them I question some of the doctrine (IE Joseph Smith) and how I have talked to 2 different bishops. This past week since I have read some essays, I wish I wouldn't have written some of the stuff I had in the letter, but I was feeling pretty desperate and didn't quite know what to do. So, the letter was written. Oh well, whats done is done.

Feeling more at peace

Thanks to Zelph I leared about newordermormon.org-wow!! What a great site!
I felt a huge rush when I learned about that last night.
So this morning while the kids are at school and hubby at work, I can check it out further.
I felt so much peace after reading this essay:
http://mormonstories.org/HowToStay.html

Like the essay says, leaving the church entirely almost feels like loosing "The framework of a house." That is exactly how I have felt.
It mentions "Buffet Mormon" -I got a laugh out of that one! I guess that is what I am.......I go, and I sure don't agree with some of the doctrine but I DO believe in some things.

Anyway, feeling some peace now. I needed this today.

feelings

I just feel so misled...........the more I read, the more I want to just sit and cry. Its so disturbing to me. I can't believe I am learning about all this now, after going to the church for 37 years. I feel like I am in between and rock and a hard place. I feel so much emotional pain right now. My husband is VERY active as the Ward Clerk, and attends the temple regularly.
I have told him some of my feelings, although not everything as he gets upset and I really don't want to stir the pot. I fear that it will destroy my marriage. Despite my feelings I love my husband and can't imagine life without him.
I know he wants the kids to continue to go to church........I don't agree with it but will honor his wishes. I just don't want to go anymore. I am just sick over this.

more thoughts

After reading another blog i realized something else about the people that truly bother me-how fake they are! Well, I guess that does not apply to all, I guess I should not make it sound so generalized-there really are some great people in the church, but there are those people who have just perfect lives, perfect children and absolutely NO problems whatsoever. BS!!! Everyone has problems-no ones life can be that rosy and perfect, and thats ok!! We have this one lady (in the RS presidency no less) who has a life like that-it just makes me ill. I am not the only one who feels that way. There are some others too-but she is the first person I think of. I cannot stand people who look through rose colored glasses.

I really don't mean to sound like an unhappy person in these posts-like I mentioned in my first post here, I am just venting. I actually have a pretty good life, and have alot to be happy about :)

New Blog

I just created this blog to vent my feelings regarding my quest into finding out if the LDS church is really true. I have been a life long member of the church, and up until about 5 years ago, relied heavily upon other peoples' testimonies rather than having my own. It was after something that happened in my life, that tried my faith, that I had come to know I did NOT have my own testimony. I have found no answers to my questions, feel no spirit (I did at one time, when I relied on other folks' testimonies) and feel very uneasy about the church. I am currently active, but only because of my husband, who has an important role in our ward here in Beaumont. I too have a calling and I do what I am supposed to do. I have asked TWICE to be released and the bishop refuses to release me from my calling. I am sure he fears I will stop going (and , he's correct on that ).I do LOVE the women I work with in the primary presidency and we get along well. I have loads of respect for these women and value their friendship. Other than those two things, I have no reason to go. I have spoken to two different bishops and have done what they have told me to do. I have kept the commandments and fulfill my church callings. I have recently written a letter to the first presidency with some questions, and hopefully will get a letter back. Chances are, they are going to tell me the same stuff these bishops have told me to do.

What I am questioning is:
If Joseph Smith REALLY is a true prophet. I have prayed about this, and have yet to receive an answer. I have a hard time believing that a 14 year old boy could REALLY receive that revelation, and that a boy with little education could translate the brass plates.
I also struggle with how men can marry one woman in the temple, then if that woman dies, he can go and be sealed to yet another one in the temple. I just don't think its right! I was taught all my life to remain worthy to be sealed to a man in the temple-was never told that they could just go out and marry another if I passed on.

I want SO badly to believe the church is true. I have been taught the principles all my life and its scary at the thought of it not being true. I have been through the temple-sealed in the temple to my husband. I have only been a few times in our 14 year marriage. I do think the temple ceremony was strange and pointless. I have never been able to understand it. I also think the temple is just a "status" thing for people. It seems like people in the church just boast about going-it makes me sick! I have recently removed my temple garments.
I have thought about leaving, but in reality, I probably cannot leave, because of my husband.
He is very active and faithful. I guess to keep the peace I just have to stay.
But I am so doubting of it, and he is well aware of that.
He says "you know its true!" as does other people..........sigh. I don't. I honestly don't.
I believe that the LDS church has many good things-the family, serving others and I do believe in Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father. Its the whole Joseph Smith thing that gets me.
Also, yes, I have had my feelings hurt. VERY badly over the past 5 years especially. Also, growing up I have NEVER felt like I belonged. Our ward here in Beaumont has a dark cloud over it-cliques and lots of gossip. So with the feelings I currently have + the cliques/gossip, it makes attending very difficult. I HATE going. I absolutely DREAD sundays more than anything in this world.