I just created this blog to vent my feelings regarding my quest into finding out if the LDS church is really true. I have been a life long member of the church, and up until about 5 years ago, relied heavily upon other peoples' testimonies rather than having my own. It was after something that happened in my life, that tried my faith, that I had come to know I did NOT have my own testimony. I have found no answers to my questions, feel no spirit (I did at one time, when I relied on other folks' testimonies) and feel very uneasy about the church. I am currently active, but only because of my husband, who has an important role in our ward here in Beaumont. I too have a calling and I do what I am supposed to do. I have asked TWICE to be released and the bishop refuses to release me from my calling. I am sure he fears I will stop going (and , he's correct on that ).I do LOVE the women I work with in the primary presidency and we get along well. I have loads of respect for these women and value their friendship. Other than those two things, I have no reason to go. I have spoken to two different bishops and have done what they have told me to do. I have kept the commandments and fulfill my church callings. I have recently written a letter to the first presidency with some questions, and hopefully will get a letter back. Chances are, they are going to tell me the same stuff these bishops have told me to do.
What I am questioning is:
If Joseph Smith REALLY is a true prophet. I have prayed about this, and have yet to receive an answer. I have a hard time believing that a 14 year old boy could REALLY receive that revelation, and that a boy with little education could translate the brass plates.
I also struggle with how men can marry one woman in the temple, then if that woman dies, he can go and be sealed to yet another one in the temple. I just don't think its right! I was taught all my life to remain worthy to be sealed to a man in the temple-was never told that they could just go out and marry another if I passed on.
I want SO badly to believe the church is true. I have been taught the principles all my life and its scary at the thought of it not being true. I have been through the temple-sealed in the temple to my husband. I have only been a few times in our 14 year marriage. I do think the temple ceremony was strange and pointless. I have never been able to understand it. I also think the temple is just a "status" thing for people. It seems like people in the church just boast about going-it makes me sick! I have recently removed my temple garments.
I have thought about leaving, but in reality, I probably cannot leave, because of my husband.
He is very active and faithful. I guess to keep the peace I just have to stay.
But I am so doubting of it, and he is well aware of that.
He says "you know its true!" as does other people..........sigh. I don't. I honestly don't.
I believe that the LDS church has many good things-the family, serving others and I do believe in Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father. Its the whole Joseph Smith thing that gets me.
Also, yes, I have had my feelings hurt. VERY badly over the past 5 years especially. Also, growing up I have NEVER felt like I belonged. Our ward here in Beaumont has a dark cloud over it-cliques and lots of gossip. So with the feelings I currently have + the cliques/gossip, it makes attending very difficult. I HATE going. I absolutely DREAD sundays more than anything in this world.
3 comments:
You said, "also, yes, I have had my feelings hurt" as if that's the only reason one could doubt. Nope.
I figured that if the church were true, it'd stand up under scrutiny. The sad part is, it clearly does not.
I must say that even if God himself (or Joseph Smith himself) came to me right now and told me that it's true and I should follow it, I can't stand behind an organization where women are told they are equal when clearly they aren't. Where sexism and homophobia abound. It's just too much for me to wrap my head around at this time.
You're not alone. Hang in there.
Have you ever read Joseph Smith, Rough Stone Rolling before?
I have added you to my blog roll.
I am reading Rough Stone Rolling right now and I think it is informative. It was written by member so it touches on some controversial topics but with a slight apologist view. It’s a good intro into the twisted world of Joseph Smith.
I was a lot like you when I began to step away from the church. Take your time and read with an open mind. It can be a hard road but I think it is worth it to know the truth.
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