I just created this blog to vent my feelings regarding my quest into finding out if the LDS church is really true. I have been a life long member of the church, and up until about 5 years ago, relied heavily upon other peoples' testimonies rather than having my own. It was after something that happened in my life, that tried my faith, that I had come to know I did NOT have my own testimony. I have found no answers to my questions, feel no spirit (I did at one time, when I relied on other folks' testimonies) and feel very uneasy about the church. I am currently active, but only because of my husband, who has an important role in our ward here in Beaumont. I too have a calling and I do what I am supposed to do. I have asked TWICE to be released and the bishop refuses to release me from my calling. I am sure he fears I will stop going (and , he's correct on that ).I do LOVE the women I work with in the primary presidency and we get along well. I have loads of respect for these women and value their friendship. Other than those two things, I have no reason to go. I have spoken to two different bishops and have done what they have told me to do. I have kept the commandments and fulfill my church callings. I have recently written a letter to the first presidency with some questions, and hopefully will get a letter back. Chances are, they are going to tell me the same stuff these bishops have told me to do.
What I am questioning is:
If Joseph Smith REALLY is a true prophet. I have prayed about this, and have yet to receive an answer. I have a hard time believing that a 14 year old boy could REALLY receive that revelation, and that a boy with little education could translate the brass plates.
I also struggle with how men can marry one woman in the temple, then if that woman dies, he can go and be sealed to yet another one in the temple. I just don't think its right! I was taught all my life to remain worthy to be sealed to a man in the temple-was never told that they could just go out and marry another if I passed on.
I want SO badly to believe the church is true. I have been taught the principles all my life and its scary at the thought of it not being true. I have been through the temple-sealed in the temple to my husband. I have only been a few times in our 14 year marriage. I do think the temple ceremony was strange and pointless. I have never been able to understand it. I also think the temple is just a "status" thing for people. It seems like people in the church just boast about going-it makes me sick! I have recently removed my temple garments.
I have thought about leaving, but in reality, I probably cannot leave, because of my husband.
He is very active and faithful. I guess to keep the peace I just have to stay.
But I am so doubting of it, and he is well aware of that.
He says "you know its true!" as does other people..........sigh. I don't. I honestly don't.
I believe that the LDS church has many good things-the family, serving others and I do believe in Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father. Its the whole Joseph Smith thing that gets me.
Also, yes, I have had my feelings hurt. VERY badly over the past 5 years especially. Also, growing up I have NEVER felt like I belonged. Our ward here in Beaumont has a dark cloud over it-cliques and lots of gossip. So with the feelings I currently have + the cliques/gossip, it makes attending very difficult. I HATE going. I absolutely DREAD sundays more than anything in this world.
