Feeling worse than ever

I am feeling just horrible..........I admit, I am on the brink of a depression, if I am not there already with all of this. I made a comment to someone on Sunday at church-and someone else heard it who was standing not far away. It apparently hurt that person's feelings (It wasn't directed towards that person) but I feel so terrible about it. Its another member of the primary presidency. I really am sorry and was not directed to anyone in general, but at the moment I meant it-just not directed to her-if that makes any sense at all. So, what I am going to do today is deliver her some flowers and apologize, then probably immediately after that email the bishop and tell them I want to immediately be released. I am going to get my binder ready to deliver to the primary president too. I am sure they don't want to see me anymore. My husband thinks I am being irrational about all of this. I don't know.
I thought I was feeling lonely in "this place" before.........I am feeling much worse now.
I swear, this church is ruining my life.

loosing my mind

Lately I have just been loosing my mind over this whole church thing. I go each sunday and all I do is feel completely miserable. I really wanted to take something positive out of each sunday but I am finding it impossible, with the amount of anger I feel when I go. I know I need to forgive these people for the hurt they have caused me. But, it will take me time. I also know there ARE some good people there, but at this point I wonder if its really worth it for me to go every sunday. This sunday I am just going to tell DH my feet hurt or something so I don't have to go. I will get out of it somehow. He already knows how I am feeling. He was wondering why I was in such a pissy mood on Sunday so I just told him. Honestly, I would like to just try another ward and just see how it makes me feel. One of my friends goes to this other ward where all of their special needs kids have been lovingly accepted. I am so envious of that. My daughter has been accepted in the last 6-8 months or so, but I cannot let go of the hurt before that. What I am doing is trying to protect her. I don't EVER want her to go through the hurt I have been through.
I told the RS president how I felt (minus my doctrine issues) when she stopped in last friday to chat with me ( we are long time friends and I love her dearly). She really agreed with what I said, but she had no idea I felt the way I did. I gave her my perspective and I was shocked that she agreed with what I had to say. I had a fear that I may sound nuts about it! I always worry about that because over the years I have had the whole "you should go talk to somebody" crap and people make me feel like I am crazy. NO! If they were in MY shoes they would understand. If they had a dh who worked long hours then went to a couple bishopric meetings each week plus to the temple a couple times a month, they would feel this way too, if they had a kid that required special needs. Going and talking to a counselor would do no good at all. sheesh!
What I want more than anything is just to feel at peace. I am SO envious of those people who are so faithful and happy and have peace in their lives. I want that so bad. But I honestly believe I won't be able to find it until I stop going to that ward. But I am so screwed, as my dh has his bishopric meetings, and it will make him look bad if they find out his wife is going to another ward. I do care about him and his reputation. I feel like I am in such a bad position here.

Meeting and other stuff

Its been about a week since I last posted........I was taking time to reflect on the meeting with the SP. It went Extremely well-better than I imagined. He was humble and completely non-judgemental. I voiced my opinion about the situation with my daughter and how I feel she has NEVER been accepted in the ward. I have not had much support with her at all, and it hurts beyond words. I am not expecting people to come out and help me every day. But, instead of people staring at me like I am an alien on sunday's when she has a meltdown, it would be nice for someone to ask me if I need help or something. The Bishop knows this too! He has never offered any help either. People can tell I have been frazzled, I am sure. Some people know my husband works very long hours and is not home much. Part of the time he IS home, he is either at meetings or the temple, or whatever. So, I am stuck taking care of most things. Okay I rambled off enough about that, now back to the subject LOL
He told me I need to forgive the ward members, and how it is required of all to forgive and how christ forgave. I totally understand that. I will forgive, but it will be on my own time , and I am not sure I can forget. He told me lots of things in my crazy life (and yes, its crazy, trust me) are not allowing the spirit to come in. Plus the resentment I hold. I DID talk to him about my doubts about Joseph Smith. He didn't seem too worried-he insists I have a testimony of him its just that I need to find it. Ah well, at least he wasn't too worried and I am probably under his radar, hopefully. I met with him for an hour and a half. I was happy with the outcome. Heck, he is even watching the kids for us so dh and I can go out-we never go out. I told him we don't have a sitter. Thats another peeve of mine. Of course, now that I mentioned that the SP was going to watch the kids for us I have two people who came forward and said they would watch them. Actually now I have 4 people-the people who came forward first are.....get this....non-members.
Anyway, it should be interesting. Actually I am a bit nervous.
Now something that has made me angry and I have been reeling all day about this.......DH attended his meeting last night. Well, apparently the Bishop DOES know about the letter I wrote. DH Told him. But even BEFORE he told him, he already knew. DH will not tell me who told him. I suspect its a person in the primary presidency. I know who it is. I didn't elaborate on the letter. I got really upset about that this morning, and dh says "Oh.....its not to gossip, they are REALLY concerned about you." Crap. Just when I thought things were okay.........now it seems I AM on their list. sheesh. makes me sick. I think what makes me more upset is the fact that I cannot trust ANYONE. I told that to someone I have respect for , and felt close to.
I feel betrayed.

Letter to First Presidency-they got it apparently

So I am just a little nervous!
I went to church today as usual, and the Stake President was there today for the other ward, and caught me in the hallway-I saw him coming and immediately wanted to run the other way-but that couldn't happen. Anyway, he wants to meet with me Wednesday night. Right away I said "ohhhhhh........I know what this is about!" LOL I have known this guy for a looooooooong time-since he was a young father (I was rather young when I met him too) and I was his wife's visiting teaching companion back then too. He was asking me what all I am doing-am I working, etc etc.........he's probably trying to get a "feel" for what all I am up to. He's a nice guy, but the thought of being put on the spot just freaks me out. I have nothing to hide, and I have done nothing wrong (as I also stated in the letter) but my goodness I know come Wed. I will be SO nervous!
I wrote the letter a few weeks ago.........Basically asking them what I need to do-saying I feel no spirit, and how I've done the things I have been asked to (reading scriptures, etc-the usual stuff they say to do), and have fulfilled my callings. I did mention I only go for my husband also.
I told them I question some of the doctrine (IE Joseph Smith) and how I have talked to 2 different bishops. This past week since I have read some essays, I wish I wouldn't have written some of the stuff I had in the letter, but I was feeling pretty desperate and didn't quite know what to do. So, the letter was written. Oh well, whats done is done.

Feeling more at peace

Thanks to Zelph I leared about newordermormon.org-wow!! What a great site!
I felt a huge rush when I learned about that last night.
So this morning while the kids are at school and hubby at work, I can check it out further.
I felt so much peace after reading this essay:
http://mormonstories.org/HowToStay.html

Like the essay says, leaving the church entirely almost feels like loosing "The framework of a house." That is exactly how I have felt.
It mentions "Buffet Mormon" -I got a laugh out of that one! I guess that is what I am.......I go, and I sure don't agree with some of the doctrine but I DO believe in some things.

Anyway, feeling some peace now. I needed this today.

feelings

I just feel so misled...........the more I read, the more I want to just sit and cry. Its so disturbing to me. I can't believe I am learning about all this now, after going to the church for 37 years. I feel like I am in between and rock and a hard place. I feel so much emotional pain right now. My husband is VERY active as the Ward Clerk, and attends the temple regularly.
I have told him some of my feelings, although not everything as he gets upset and I really don't want to stir the pot. I fear that it will destroy my marriage. Despite my feelings I love my husband and can't imagine life without him.
I know he wants the kids to continue to go to church........I don't agree with it but will honor his wishes. I just don't want to go anymore. I am just sick over this.

more thoughts

After reading another blog i realized something else about the people that truly bother me-how fake they are! Well, I guess that does not apply to all, I guess I should not make it sound so generalized-there really are some great people in the church, but there are those people who have just perfect lives, perfect children and absolutely NO problems whatsoever. BS!!! Everyone has problems-no ones life can be that rosy and perfect, and thats ok!! We have this one lady (in the RS presidency no less) who has a life like that-it just makes me ill. I am not the only one who feels that way. There are some others too-but she is the first person I think of. I cannot stand people who look through rose colored glasses.

I really don't mean to sound like an unhappy person in these posts-like I mentioned in my first post here, I am just venting. I actually have a pretty good life, and have alot to be happy about :)